Fall again

I've been to Europe and back, and I've been to Canada and back.
Life is going on....I'm getting better at not sharing every sorted detail of your death with every stranger that speaks to me.

I feel like I came back from Italy different. It gave me a new perspective. Also, prior to going I listened to your messages again just to hear them with fresh ears. I got the feeling you really didn't want to go to Italy, you said it was "my thing, not yours" and that you hoped I would still go and maybe take one of the girls. Well you got out of that trip, sort of. Your ashes were tucked into a little case labeled "make up remover" and I took you everywhere.
My biggest sad moment was Sorrento, living in a villa with 8 other people, being the 9th, being the odd one out. I now know what Aunt Tillie must have felt like traveling around with your parents, being the spinster aunt who never married. I wonder how many times she witnessed your parents disagreements and thought "glad to be single". Terry & Eva get alone very well, and I hardly ever thought, glad to be single.

It's now the end of August and it feels like autumn is just around the corner, I know this always makes me miss you more, we loved fall together, we talked about it all the time, about how the leaves were changing, a tinge of cool in the air, today is overcast and they're calling for rain, it feels like fall for sure, next week the kids will go back to school. We would of been planning a trip to Hood River to get apples and salmon for the winter months. I baked lots of zucchini bread today, some of your favorites, now they're Chelsea's. The garden out front did well, the lawn looks sad, but you shouldn't have left me if you wanted it to look like a golf course :).

Well, dear I have other projects to plan for, so I will sign off.... I hope you and Dave met up and that there's golf in heaven.

Italy alone

I'm  now just 11 days from leaving for Italy. This was a trip we had planned for years, had talked about it, saved for it, and now, well I'll be going with my sister and her family, and you'll be going too, except you'll be tucked into my luggage. I got some of your ashes from Sarah. I never thought I would be doing this. But I never thought I'd be left behind either.

New Chapter....New Goal....
Stop making my life about your death. I need to find another story to tell. I find myself bringing it up as if it is the only event in my entire life that anyone would be interested in. I remember back to when the house burned down, that tragedy became my story for a very long time. Why? what is it about a tragedy that makes me turn it into my life story?

So, I need to learn how to have conversations again that doesn't  involved the dark side of my life.
If someone asks "are you married?" it should be simple to say "No, I'm a widow" and drop it. No one wants the blow by blow of your cancer diagnosis, how we thought we'd beat it, and it came back within a month of your amputation. SEE! there it is again, me telling the story of your cancer.

I just seemed to be stuck, and no matter how many people tell me it's OK and healthy to talk about your death, I'm tired of hearing myself talk about.
I feel like I should have pamphlets printed with all the gruesome details of your & Dave's deaths, then I can say "call me with any questions you may have" I'm the poster child for Hospice.

So, now about Italy. I'm already running into a speed bump; Alcohol & meat. I don't drink anymore (almost 4 years sober) and I've been a vegetarian for a while. Most of the family know these things about me, so why is it that they sent me an invite to a tour in Venice of restaurants that serve all Italian fare, INCLUDING wine & drinks at each place, and most all of the meals were meat based.
 I just had to say "please do these things together, and don't change any plans on my account" I know I can entertain myself very well, I've gotten use to it. But I know they feel bad. But please don't.

I moved the furniture again today, made me think of all the times I moved it while you were at work, and you would come home and smile at the new layout, and say "been busy?".
Well, while cleaning I found a resume you must have done almost 20 years ago, I destroyed it because I realized you had embellished a few details of your life. I just don't want the children to find it, I can hear it now "I never knew dad did...…" He didn't.
So, what story are you telling now??

Time keeps moving forward

Time keeps going on. It's been 9 months, and I see the anniversary just around the corner. April 27th. What will I do that day? I know in my heart that life goes on, but I have to say you really don't know how you're living each day until you're lying in bed and realize you've just completed another day.

I've been cleaning out all the closets and drawers, books and clothes, jewelry and mementoes. What do you keep? what really has meaning? and what will I do with it? Our daughter together Brooke is somewhat sentimental, but I fear she would keep lint if she thought her dad had touched it. It's the Japanese method of holding each item and then asking..."does it give me joy?" If not, thank it for it's service and give it away.  In the end I have a small basket of his clothes that I have yet to part with it.
White T-shirts, some PJ bottoms, and some boxer shorts with squirrels on them. (he loved to feed the squirrels).

Other things I've found I'm not sure what to do with, his families bibles, they are written in and bring me no joy, maybe more anger when I think of the way  they made my husband feel about God. Filling his head with ideas that he needed to hear a call from God, and then he must obey this long list of laws so God would love him. I spent such a long time trying to convince him that he was a creation of God's and that God has always loved him, he did not need to jump through some biblical hoop to be loved.

What's next for me? I don't know. It's one day at a time, I do get slightly miffed when I feel I'm being pressured by people to get out and do things I have no interest in doing. I know they mean well, but for the love of Mike, leave me alone! I will call if I need something, believe me I will call.
I want to travel, and maybe even alone. I took my oldest and went to southern California for a 4 day getaway, and wondered...could I do this alone? Would I want to? maybe? But it is nice to have conversation with someone.

Spring...can't get here soon enough, right now it's February and snowing, my world is a beautiful sunny white world. and I love the look of it. It's melting...but will it freeze again? if so I will not be going to church in the morning.

I look at the others around me that are also widows, and wonder..."are they feeling what I feel?"
Then I see women who have husbands, and wonder if they look at me and think, "I could be her" I know I've thought that years ago, long before cancer, but he smoked, I just felt he would beat me out the door. What I didn't expect was for Dave to go a year and half before him. I always thought baby brother would be my back up. Nope.

Taxes...I owe this year. You left me well off, but I never knew some of it would be taxable. So on Valentines day I will pay the government $2,650.00. CRAP. Next year will be better.  Other then interest on all the money you left, I won't have any other surprise money coming my way. I didn't know I had to pay taxes on survivor benefits from your company.

Well, this is enough for now, I'm going to a grief support group at church. We're reading "A Grief observed" by C.S Lewis. I think I'm the only one who lost a spouse, the rest I think lost parents or siblings. Been there already. Then in March will be the beach group. Two more widows, now there are 3 of us.

It's all greek to me

It's been 8 months 5 days and 7 hours since you left...
Why do I count it? I have no idea, why do some days seem more normal then others? How did I survive Christmas and our anniversary but find New Years Eve a deal breaker?

The last few days I've been listening to the music we played at the service for the first time since that day. It hurts more to look at your picture. What's going on?

All these questions flood my mind, I talk to him in the car while I'm driving, thank goodness for all the people and Bluetooth devices, no one knows I'm talking to my dead husband, they all think I'm on the phone. But it's the only time I have to do it, I sometimes chat with him when I'm home alone, or before I fall asleep. I do anything to hear a response.

I've been getting ready for taxes so I've been going through all the medical bills, reading the doctors notes. Cancer, metastatic cancer, brain cancer, stomach cancer, lung cancer, amputation, radiation.

I tear up just reading those notes, Hospice. 2-4 months at most (3 months 2 weeks).

I have your voice recorded on your I-pad, I listened to it right after you left, but haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it again. You were so sweet, you left notes for all the kids, only one of them has been able to listen to it. One doesn't even know it exists. I haven't gone there yet.

I'm going to Italy this summer, I wish it was you going with me. Can you do that?

These are my thoughts, these are my nightmares and my dreams.

I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many others out there that found themselves suddenly alone. We all say "till death do us part" but we never imagine what that will look like, or feel like.

So, I decided to blog about my life, to be able to put all this down on paper. I almost wrote my hopes and dreams, but I don't have any of those any more.

We had 36 years, that's a nice run, but it really wasn't long enough, I guess we all feel that way, it's never long enough.
I'm 63. Mother of 2, grandmother of 2. Self-employed.
And as for looking for a replacement.....
I have to say, my husband was the love of my life, but if I never hear the words "what's for dinner" again it will be too soon. Plus the idea of it gives me the willies...