Time keeps going on. It's been 9 months, and I see the anniversary just around the corner. April 27th. What will I do that day? I know in my heart that life goes on, but I have to say you really don't know how you're living each day until you're lying in bed and realize you've just completed another day.
I've been cleaning out all the closets and drawers, books and clothes, jewelry and mementoes. What do you keep? what really has meaning? and what will I do with it? Our daughter together Brooke is somewhat sentimental, but I fear she would keep lint if she thought her dad had touched it. It's the Japanese method of holding each item and then asking..."does it give me joy?" If not, thank it for it's service and give it away. In the end I have a small basket of his clothes that I have yet to part with it.
White T-shirts, some PJ bottoms, and some boxer shorts with squirrels on them. (he loved to feed the squirrels).
Other things I've found I'm not sure what to do with, his families bibles, they are written in and bring me no joy, maybe more anger when I think of the way they made my husband feel about God. Filling his head with ideas that he needed to hear a call from God, and then he must obey this long list of laws so God would love him. I spent such a long time trying to convince him that he was a creation of God's and that God has always loved him, he did not need to jump through some biblical hoop to be loved.
What's next for me? I don't know. It's one day at a time, I do get slightly miffed when I feel I'm being pressured by people to get out and do things I have no interest in doing. I know they mean well, but for the love of Mike, leave me alone! I will call if I need something, believe me I will call.
I want to travel, and maybe even alone. I took my oldest and went to southern California for a 4 day getaway, and wondered...could I do this alone? Would I want to? maybe? But it is nice to have conversation with someone.
Spring...can't get here soon enough, right now it's February and snowing, my world is a beautiful sunny white world. and I love the look of it. It's melting...but will it freeze again? if so I will not be going to church in the morning.
I look at the others around me that are also widows, and wonder..."are they feeling what I feel?"
Then I see women who have husbands, and wonder if they look at me and think, "I could be her" I know I've thought that years ago, long before cancer, but he smoked, I just felt he would beat me out the door. What I didn't expect was for Dave to go a year and half before him. I always thought baby brother would be my back up. Nope.
Taxes...I owe this year. You left me well off, but I never knew some of it would be taxable. So on Valentines day I will pay the government $2,650.00. CRAP. Next year will be better. Other then interest on all the money you left, I won't have any other surprise money coming my way. I didn't know I had to pay taxes on survivor benefits from your company.
Well, this is enough for now, I'm going to a grief support group at church. We're reading "A Grief observed" by C.S Lewis. I think I'm the only one who lost a spouse, the rest I think lost parents or siblings. Been there already. Then in March will be the beach group. Two more widows, now there are 3 of us.
