It's all greek to me

It's been 8 months 5 days and 7 hours since you left...
Why do I count it? I have no idea, why do some days seem more normal then others? How did I survive Christmas and our anniversary but find New Years Eve a deal breaker?

The last few days I've been listening to the music we played at the service for the first time since that day. It hurts more to look at your picture. What's going on?

All these questions flood my mind, I talk to him in the car while I'm driving, thank goodness for all the people and Bluetooth devices, no one knows I'm talking to my dead husband, they all think I'm on the phone. But it's the only time I have to do it, I sometimes chat with him when I'm home alone, or before I fall asleep. I do anything to hear a response.

I've been getting ready for taxes so I've been going through all the medical bills, reading the doctors notes. Cancer, metastatic cancer, brain cancer, stomach cancer, lung cancer, amputation, radiation.

I tear up just reading those notes, Hospice. 2-4 months at most (3 months 2 weeks).

I have your voice recorded on your I-pad, I listened to it right after you left, but haven't been able to bring myself to listen to it again. You were so sweet, you left notes for all the kids, only one of them has been able to listen to it. One doesn't even know it exists. I haven't gone there yet.

I'm going to Italy this summer, I wish it was you going with me. Can you do that?

These are my thoughts, these are my nightmares and my dreams.

I know I'm not alone. I know there are so many others out there that found themselves suddenly alone. We all say "till death do us part" but we never imagine what that will look like, or feel like.

So, I decided to blog about my life, to be able to put all this down on paper. I almost wrote my hopes and dreams, but I don't have any of those any more.

We had 36 years, that's a nice run, but it really wasn't long enough, I guess we all feel that way, it's never long enough.
I'm 63. Mother of 2, grandmother of 2. Self-employed.
And as for looking for a replacement.....
I have to say, my husband was the love of my life, but if I never hear the words "what's for dinner" again it will be too soon. Plus the idea of it gives me the willies...