I'm now just 11 days from leaving for Italy. This was a trip we had planned for years, had talked about it, saved for it, and now, well I'll be going with my sister and her family, and you'll be going too, except you'll be tucked into my luggage. I got some of your ashes from Sarah. I never thought I would be doing this. But I never thought I'd be left behind either.
New Chapter....New Goal....
Stop making my life about your death. I need to find another story to tell. I find myself bringing it up as if it is the only event in my entire life that anyone would be interested in. I remember back to when the house burned down, that tragedy became my story for a very long time. Why? what is it about a tragedy that makes me turn it into my life story?
So, I need to learn how to have conversations again that doesn't involved the dark side of my life.
If someone asks "are you married?" it should be simple to say "No, I'm a widow" and drop it. No one wants the blow by blow of your cancer diagnosis, how we thought we'd beat it, and it came back within a month of your amputation. SEE! there it is again, me telling the story of your cancer.
I just seemed to be stuck, and no matter how many people tell me it's OK and healthy to talk about your death, I'm tired of hearing myself talk about.
I feel like I should have pamphlets printed with all the gruesome details of your & Dave's deaths, then I can say "call me with any questions you may have" I'm the poster child for Hospice.
So, now about Italy. I'm already running into a speed bump; Alcohol & meat. I don't drink anymore (almost 4 years sober) and I've been a vegetarian for a while. Most of the family know these things about me, so why is it that they sent me an invite to a tour in Venice of restaurants that serve all Italian fare, INCLUDING wine & drinks at each place, and most all of the meals were meat based.
I just had to say "please do these things together, and don't change any plans on my account" I know I can entertain myself very well, I've gotten use to it. But I know they feel bad. But please don't.
I moved the furniture again today, made me think of all the times I moved it while you were at work, and you would come home and smile at the new layout, and say "been busy?".
Well, while cleaning I found a resume you must have done almost 20 years ago, I destroyed it because I realized you had embellished a few details of your life. I just don't want the children to find it, I can hear it now "I never knew dad did...…" He didn't.
So, what story are you telling now??
